manning up and dominating.

there hasn't been much to blog about lately - life's been pretty much on repeat for the past couple weeks or so. and that's not cause for complaint, because i'm pretty content with what i've got now (:

exams are starting though. in the blink of an eye, another semester is gone, and i'm pretty much at my halfway point of my degree. 2.5 years in, and i'm still having doubts about what i'm doing.

but for now, main worry is exams. time to man up and dominate. (as brodiesmith likes to say)

indescribable.

words simply cannot describe what's happening right now.
i would know, i've tried.

happyness.

i suck at goodbyes

i just got back from a 3 day trip to malaysia. the bulk of it was spent renewing my passport and getting identification card issues sorted. here are just a couple things i learnt while i was away:

1. i don't remember how i ever got used to the humidity

2. strays! so many stray dogs and cats everywhere

for those that really know me, they'd know that i've been putting going back to malaysia off for a very long time. i've always delayed the trip back, but the inevitable caught up, and i had to resolve certain issues. now i'm not saying that i despise malaysia - because i dont. i just don't feel that sense of belonging and home anymore. in a conversation with an old friend while in kuching, i referred to perth as "home". it wasn't on purpose, it was a slip of the tongue, yet there it was. a freudian slip. the conversation paused for a while as we both took in the meaning of what i'd just said. but the truth is, perth is my home now.

nevertheless, it was good going back. it was good to see how different kuching is now. and it was even better to see family again. you could really feel the memories come flooding back, and for once it was good to not have to rush around, having places to go, things to do. BUT, reality does come a knocking, and eventually i had to leave.

i don't know when i'll see them next (the previous gap was 3 years), and it was a pretty tough goodbye to say. heck, what do you even say to kids ranging from 3-5 as you're trying to explain to them that you won't be seeing them for an indefinite period of time? they're too young to comprehend that you don't stay there, and even though i spent just a day with them, there's definitely a spot in my heart where their names are carved. at least i have photos.

BUT, all that's said and done - it's good to be back. good to be back in my own environment, i welcomed the dry weather like an old friend, and it's good to be back with loved ones. but like i said, i hate goodbyes because i suck at them. i always tend to drag them out, and always end up leaving with a sense of "never had enough". can be read into as good and bad i suppose.

just finished my assignment. first one that i'm actually proud of. hopefully it does well....

28 days later, and here we are. happy as hell.

pride.

"there's no point playing this game anymore. why are they even still trying?"

"because, son. they're playing for pride."

what the heck does that even mean? playing for pride? the context of that scenario imagines that one team, beaten and defeated, with nothing left to play for - are still fighting, still holding their heads high, still pushing and punishing themselves, because of pride. pride is fueling them as they push themselves to the limit, fight for every inch. with everything taken from them, the only thing left they have is pride.

so here i am. put in this scenario where there is nothing left to play for, but pride. i could probably swallow my pride and just let natural order take its place and see where it takes us. or i could hold my head high and be prideful, pretend that i've still got something to fight for, and not concede defeat.

i can pretend it doesn't hurt, the fact that we're now practically complete strangers, and how you were once the first person i'd come running to at the sight of danger and trouble. but now, it's so different. there's something i want to tell you, something that past me would've said to you as soon as it happened.

but now, i'm not so sure. we all keep secrets. but some secrets are best shared with friends. but only with those you trust. right?

the world's worst kept secret.

nothing much to blog about. all i can say is to continually reiterate the fact that i am happy. oh so happy. like seriously hahaha.

carburettor cleaner - what an absolute legend.

good.

everything is good. it really is. haven't been this happy in ages.

but it all has to end soon, doesn't it?

and that's the kicker.

crossroads.

a fork in the road. so many choices, all leading to different, alternate realities of me and what my life would be.

i've been mapping out every single possibility (like i always do), but unfortunately, i'm stumped. it's been a whirlwind 48 hours, with so many things happening and it's slightly very overwhelming. but yet again, i'm back at that same fork in the road, only it's different this time. slightly different.

Lord, grant me strength for what i'm about to do.